From the past...

In the midst of organizing and archiving photos and documents on my external hard drive, I have stumbled across several things from years ago, as well as images from just this past year. Many provoking every emotion possible- thoughts flying in all directions like the elevator at Mr. Wonka's chocolate factory...

"Willy Wonka: This is the great glass Wonkavator.
Grandpa Joe: It's an elevator.
Willy Wonka: No, it's a Wonkavator. An elevator can only go up and down, but the Wonkavator can go sideways, and slantways, and longways, and backways...
Charlie Bucket: And frontways?
Willy Wonka: ...and squareways, and front ways, and any other ways that you can think of. It can take you to any room in the whole factory just by pressing one of these buttons. Any of these buttons. Just press a button and *zing*! You're off. And up until now, I've pressed them all... except one."

Recently I've pressed that last button...and my mind, heart, and soul have gone every which way possible. It's in my "virtual" thumbing through past written documents in Word that have brought back a lot of memories. Writings and poems from a young "me", so much emotion poured out...some in the form of sadness, confusion, anger, and angst.


An old entry from the year 1999 (I was fourteen):

(a small selection of collected journals.)
©brokenimagery 

"the pain is progressing. my mind numb. my body dysfunctional.
i am a progressing pain maker that's slowly disintegrating into this dysfunctional body."
And later...
"the thoughts, the words. the memories- my pain, my past. my fault. your understanding, your mind. not me, and never will be."

©brokenimagery

 As I read these words I felt the tremendous confusion that had birthed itself into my world at a very young age. Writing was somehow the only way to let these rapid thoughts and emotions run wild outside my head, releasing them in the hopes of freeing myself from a grave war- me against my brain. I felt so much guilt in my inability to communicate or express what was going on. Personally, I had no clue. I was eleven when it all began, and my world quickly went from being a young and an innocent child, to a corrupted mind that overtook all control.

It would be years until I could even get a glimpse at how to find an understanding to what was happening to me, my world, and my brain. Even today, I have to hold on tight at times, grasping for the ground I've gained, and determined to not slide back down that rabbit hole. 

As I look back, and patch up things that went unnoticed, and untouched for years, I am tossed around in what feels like an out of control "Wonkavator". 

My plea, for my recovery and sanity- place these millions of random missing puzzle pieces and place them securely next to the images that I caught later on in life...all my questions are being answered 10, 15 years later...and all of them are through a lens of a camera. So, as I realize this, I take on this challenge. Slowly I'll put the two and two together...
As Mr. Wonka said, "Time is a precious thing. Never waste it."