Sunday, August 29th, 2010

Boston is beautiful today. The suns out, shining, reminding us that it is still indeed summer...despite this Month coming to a quick ending. The August moon that has clothed the sky for the past week has been mesmerizing...alluring like an attractive stranger at the other end of a crowded room.

This morning I sat outside, in the backyard, coffee in one hand, a smoke in the other...thoughts way more awake and enthusiastic than I. There's been a slight pattern as of lately with the constant streaming thoughts that are always five feet ahead of me...exhausted from trying to catch up, and overwhelmed with their inconsistent ways of torment. 

My life has felt like its spinning out of control, and even if that's just an illusion, it's still a tricky thing trying to convince it otherwise. I have this constant itch under my flesh...like I can't sit still, I can't function like I want to...so, I do what I often do best- hold on. This overwhelming sense of not belonging is like a highlighted neon sign welcoming you into Las Vegas on a dark night. When this state of being starts to unravel its ugly out the door I always have the same reaction; run.


There's this small town called Eugene, it's the place I was born, grew up, lived a lifetime, and left to live another. Leaving behind parents, three older sisters, two brother-in-laws, and eight nieces and nephews; my family. I miss and love them very much. They all live there, with their busy lives, close to one another, and to other familiar faces. I wish I could be what they want...what their expectations are of me, as a sister, and a daughter. 

©brokenimagery

I had just turned twenty-one when I decided to make my first big move. Atlanta called me, and I went. A little over a year, and I trailed myself back home...thinking I could live in Eugene with myself and my family...except there was one problem, I can't live with myself there. It was maybe only three months (if not less) and I was already headed up North to Portland for about four years...and it may be longer than that when I may return, even for just a visit.

I will venture to Eugene for Christmas, see my Mom and my family (hopefully all of them.) I will breathe in the fresh cool air outside Sweet Life with a cup of coffee, and maybe a familiar face sitting across from me. I will drive down Beltline, Chambers, 7th, and 5th street. I will drive down the street I grew up on, "Nantucket Ave." and go by the house I was raised in...I will not pass its threshold on this visit. For this house, this place that represents "Home" has sold- which is a beautiful and wonderful thing for my parents. I will say my own good-bye...leaving behind memories that I wish to shed, and taking back others that I want to remember.

But for now, I am here, in my new home...with a fresh start. I have the opportunity to grow in a way that I have never allowed myself to experience, and that hurts- the growing pains that be it. For I am learning that I cannot place the ultimate stock, and assurance of belonging with any single individual. That is something that will come from within me, and a personal spiritual journey that I choose to go on.


So, I keep going. I keep holding on. Reminding myself every day that I am indeed a strong individual, and as cheesy as it sounds, I really can do this thing called life, and even more, succeed...