"reaching for a branch near by..."

 It's kind of hard sometimes, as we all know, to get through days that are as dark as a mid December Day in the Northwests winter. A morning dressed in darkness, a peak of gray light by noon, and then a quick progression to a black late afternoon. Some can handle, others like myself, cannot.


Boston has caught the tail end of some Hurricane from down South, leaving the past couple of days dressed harshly in a darkness that my mind is trying to escape. Situations pile up, miscommunication, ignorance, and wrong doings only made these past few days feel slightly more hellish.


Life is an uncertainty that we all aspire to learn- hell even predict. The truth, there's no predicting, there's no foreseeing what's next around the corner. We must rely on the strength that we have built in the core of our individual beings. Does it suck sometimes, yup, it does.


Self destruction is something that comes clothed in many different ways...or "attires" I should say. Me, I see it, acknowledge it, and most of the time I am able to set aside these false illusions, and pull myself through what seems to be a long delayed day. As of lately, I have felt like I am waiting at the terminal, sitting in those uncomfortable seats, people watching, and occasional glances at the time. My plane is not arriving- or so it feels.

©brokenimagery

I can't neglect the handful of positive things that have occurred over the past few days- but for some reason, I am stuck in this puddle of self-doubt and shamefully so, self-pity. I try to pull myself out, reaching for a branch near by to supply me with a helpful hand up- but I keep slipping, and in return falling harder.


Life has its ups and downs...to which we all experience differently. I can't help but look back, to the fifteen years that are behind me- filled with so much emotion. It hadn't dawned on me until a week ago how long this spoken journey has followed me. I'm good at storing things away in this beautifully messed up brain of mine- but for some reason, all of the current events that have occurred sprung a leak in one of those storage units. 


This Blog- this empty space that gets read here and there is a small sanctuary for my heart to pour out. Knowing that eyes graze these typed letters, and feel similarity to my own words.


Five years ago I packed up a small Ford Escort, drove over three thousand miles away from everything I knew, and lasted a little over a year. At the end of my stay there in Hotlanta, I was faced with something scary- myself. I ran, like I do best, and got the hell out of there. However, like the old saying goes, "Where ever you go, there you are" still permeates in my thick noggin'. 

Fast forward five years- and here I am, in a completely foreign place, with one familiar new face- one I hadn't seen in over twenty years, yet the most significant one I've seen in a long time. I can't forget the aid that I have been given here in my short time thus far- I have to keep reminding myself this.

Portland taught me some of the most important lessons I've learned yet. It's the execution of sorting them out and properly utilizing them as life long instructions on the "what and what not to do's".

My fear, the raw truth- is that I will never overcome this hurdle that life has placed before me. Part of me wants to say "Fuck it." The other voice, that ever so quietly whispers to me from heart says that I have everything that its got to take- to make it to that faded white finish line. 


Darkness, a wintered season if you will, passes by all of us. Some make it through to Spring, welcoming the rain in the brightness of of the sun- watching the droplets feed our gardens and souls. Others, hold on as tightly as they can, just to make it through one more day. 


A civil war ground lies on the floor of my brain. This is no new battle, however, I must say, I have gained a strength unknowingly that enables me to continue on. 


So, we, the fighters, do everything we can to keep going. You know who you are- and you know this war I speak of. Keep onward...keep breathing...and keep taking one slow, dark day at a time. I am determined to find a way to create myself out of this season I am in...determined.