unpredictable anticipations

©brokenimagery

As the par recently, things have been completely unpredictable. My travels, hopping on a plane from Portland Oregon forty-three days ago, destination, Boston Massachusetts. Two weeks of mind blowing reality checks, burning eyes from the beauty that be the city of Boston, its history, the architecture- it's by far the most photogenic place I've ever been. Building a relationship that would prove to be deeply profound, and yes, needed. Family is what we make it...and how great is it when you find someone that shares your heritage- the same bloodline that flows through your very own veins. 

My travels called me onward however. So, with a heavy suitcase, two carry-ons (Camera bag, and my Euro trip Backpack) I ventured down South too Atlanta, Georgia. Reality check point destination number two. She, Atlanta, taught me the lessons I had forgotten while I lived in the South. Self-love, solid relationships with unbreakable bonds. I arrived in the middle of what's been the hottest weather Atlanta has seen in years. Her heat unforgiving to those that ventured out on foot much like myself. Though a loving embrace, it was indeed disguised by a humid, sticky, painfully sweaty "welcome back." I lugged my camera around on the second day of my visit, walking through Kirkwood, heading towards Collage Ave. and then leading me straight into Decatur. I sat on a bench, tears strolling down my face. My thoughts slowed in the heat, much like my physical movements; allowing hidden emotions (and the realities tagged along with them) to surface, and make itself known in the dehydrated, salty tears that strolled down my cheeks. A gentleman slowly walking by paused and asked, "Are you alright?" to where all I could come up with was, "It's hot." Even though having a return ticket back to Portland for August 13th, I bought a ticket back to Boston that same day. Something inside me knew that I would not be returning "home."

Two weeks went by at the snap of a mans fingers playing an accordions. I saw every face that has been homed in my heart for years now- it was a wonderful, beautiful gift. 

One night, after an evening of laughter, "family", food, wine, and plenty of loving affection, a much needed conversation surfaced to the coffee table that sat in front of me, centered in the living room with two other adults that joined me. Talk of home, love, family, and belonging was the topic that night. The west coast is not where I belong- in fact, it is detrimental to the individual that I am, and my very well being. And to hear that from a woman who loves me, and has nothing but wonderful intentions towards me was significant.

I already had lived a lifetime by the age of twelve- you can't escape that. Those dark days that linger behind each step I take. Reminders of the unwanted and not so distant past...how at a slip in the wrong direction I would fall so hard, and though I take pride in being a fighter, I do know I would not survive that battle again. Though the grounds, hills, rivers, and mountains of Oregon capture and hold my heart still on some of the most chaotic of days, it also paralyzes me- preventing healthy growth, life, and happiness. What good am I to those that I love there, which I must say, I do, with all of my heart...but the underlining link, that holds me together is the self-destruction that be the one and only known thing I know. It is without a doubt the foundation of my life back in the North West.

So, as some of you may know, and some may not, I have decided to settle my roots down here in Boston. It's official, as of today my belongings were packed and carried from Portland down to Eugene, where it will sit in a storage unit until what is determined a priority in the case of shipping.   


However, in this life changing decision, comes a multitude of personal growth, oppertunity, and struggle. My brain resists, as I would expect anyones to, in the reorganizing that be the patterns of my life, which might I add have not been the most healthiest of ones. 

Structure. Discipline. Taking care of my body. Not numbing the things I've tucked away for no one to see- including myself. Letting the demons that be my past rise from deep within and watch it crawl with hesitation from my flesh, and struggling to loosen the grip that my own hands have on this familiar, predictable life. I can feel it, my mind is tormented in this process, but I choose to go down a different path...and reminding myself everyday, sometimes through a release of tears, that I am indeed strong enough to do this. I never would have thought in a thousand years that A.) I'd end up in Boston. And B.) I would discover that my previous struggle in life was the only thing I knew, and in its dysfunction, be my security blanket. 


Let's see how I do, huh? The way I view things is changing- standing in front of the mirror tonight and not recongizing the person stairring back me, feeling the odd sensation of my thoughts streaming quickly, and feeling like a stranger was intruding on my thinking. 


As I change, so does my art. I embrace the term "artist", I put stock into my work, and I am attempting really hard on believing in it the way so many others do. My personal journey with my camera has not even begun yet, and to be honest with you, it may not for awhile...but that's okay. Someday, I'll look back at the images that I've captured at this point in my life, and will never forget what's behind each image- the raw, bitter sweet emotion of choosing life over death.